Sunday, June 15, 2008

Working Poem #2

Lingering Within Me

Night time brings you closer
that time
when i squeeze my eyes shut
and all my preconceptions
coalesce into a familiar vision
tenderly frail
ah, so easily broken...
held together only
by the beating of my heart.

Whispering words not yet heard
while trailing fingers
not yet felt,
you spread me wide and open
tremulous yearnings
for what might never be.

Awash in the creative waters
soul sinking back
splintered to the temporal,
your name
oh, it falls so easily
from my ambiguous lips...
only to have the night
whisk it away.

So i squeeze my eyes shut.


Jill said...

I really like the three last lines of the first paragraph! I really like that image that the only thing that only a heartbeat hold you together!
(Are you gonna put it for the poetry train?)

Anonymous said...

Very tender and subtle, a there and not there poem, thoughts appear and turn back on themselves and it sounds beautiful when spoken. Lovely, hesitant and soft.

Lakota said...

thanks Jilly, i liked those lines too. You think i should? I've been thinking of adding one of those link login things... still trying to make up my mind.

it needs alot of work still but the skeleton is there and the longing, i think, GingaPaul. ~blowing you a kiss~

Gadfly said...

I enjoyed that. It has an ephemeral kind of ...

I don't know of a proper word.

But when the guy said "most men lead lives of quiet desperation", I think he was looking for the same word.


Very nice, girl.

Lakota said...

Glad you liked it Gaddy darling. It still needs alot of work i think.

ummm... you called me "girl." Do i get a pat on the head too?
{{ducking}} :P

Susan Helene Gottfried said...

Oh, Kota. That's incredibly tender and ... I can't find the right word. Delicate? Something like that.

gautami tripathy said...


Deep sigh!

she hoards trash

Jill said...

I like it when you listen to me!
I want to get that linky thing me too for a while, but I still didn't figure out how! But you are so much wiser than me for all the technical stuff!

Anonymous said...

Really like this one......reads beautifully.

Mike said...

Spazoid spreads lakota wide
and finds not yearnings
but a trimmed


MMMMMM cookie.

Anonymous said...

Very nice. The word ambiguity slapped me in the face, which is a good thing. Well done. I look forward to reading the finished poem in the future.

Anonymous said...

You see, being an old fogey and all, this type of poem with its wordplay and suggestion and gentleness is actually far more erotic than the story below because you can't write it so well without feeling it, so it is like being inside you, your mind that is. It is real intimacy, hence erotic. Whereas the story is more fun but all the description and rude words and hydraulics actually make it less erotic. But that is just me being an old fogey, I'm sure most of your readers will disagree. Oh and you know whatelse I read this week that I found so, not really erotic but so close to it, Tina Trivett's new poem. I would put a link but I'm at work so I can't, but she has a gorgeous after the moment poem, lying there, what she experiences, which is so beautiful. Anyway I am at work as I say, sorry to blather on. Your poem is very beautiful for the reasons above, intimate, tender, real,

Anonymous said...

evocative, the erotic longing, subtle, honest

Anonymous said...

oh and thank you for adding me to your blogroll!

Lakota said...

thank you Susan, and i'm glad the tender feelings i felt writing this came through.

Good sigh Gautami?

I always listen to my Jilly-girl. And i'm a total technotard, really. I just muddle along until i work it through intuitively.

thanks Jo! still needs tweaks but i appreciate it.

ROFLMAO!! Cookies on the brain Mikey? ~smooch~

Thanks Missy, certain words were strategically used with dual meanings - a little game i play with myself sometimes. That was one of them. :)

Lots of food for thought in your comment GingaPaul who is NOT an old fogey. Stop that or i'll have to break out the paddle. It's a different vehicle, poetry is, and allows for a wealth of word play that straight story telling doesn't usually support. ~kissing your nose~

ahhh, thanks Arty for the honest remark... i was trying to be honest and revealing in a way i usually am not; using words to reveal while still hiding behind multiple meanings.

Jon Boles said...

You have a good way of making words flow. Excellent imagery, and I can tell it was written with the utmost tenderness. Very good stuff!

BTW, I emailed my first chapter to you.

Gadfly said...

*condescending little pat on kota's head*

*covering balls protectively*


Anonymous said...

wonderful imagery flowing with the smoothness of silk;

Anonymous said...

I get lost in the rhythm, pace and flow of your words each time through; something I struggle with greatly in my poetic efforts. You really have so many talents, I am again in awe.

Thanks for inviting me over here. And can I say, "More?"

Shelley Munro said...

Wow, tender and very well done. I'm envious. I suck at poetry. *sigh*

Jill said...

Darling, are you allright? No post since Sunday?

Anonymous said...

Ahhh, yayaya, I read this poem again instead, it is just there and very beautiful, not as magnificent as your boobies but much more tender and gorgeous. Oh I will go back to the other one and tell you something, boo!