Sunday, June 8, 2008

Working poem

And the Twain Shall Never Meet

Roaring rage
fists pale battering rams
held in check, barely,
he stands trembling -
head thrown back
rigid firm unmovable
chained in isolation
on his island for one.

Far, far away
locked behind spidery glass
she watches, unseen,
a ghost of her former trust -
fingers stroking
the tear stained barrier
locking her safely
in place.


Anonymous said...

Cool. This is the equal of any poem on the interweb. Balanced, alive, energetic, the words strain for release just as he does and she has great tenderness and sorrow. Beautifully done. (and 'trust' is the perfect mindflipper unexpected to give the poem added depth and intrigue)

Lakota said...

that means alot to me that you like it Paul. It's still a work in progress but it roughly captured the images in my head. thanks honey!

Anonymous said...

Oh, clapping hands, a new poet to read. Thanks for letting me know.

held in check, barely....clever line that rhythmically and you've used line breaks really well (usually when line breaks come up it's someone bellyaching that they are wrong, well you've got them bang to rights) and the spidery glass, beautiful image.

So much emotion here, so visual, lovely Lakota. Can't wait to read more.

Anonymous said...

ps great banner

Lakota said...

thanks so much Jo - the rhythm is one of the things i'm tweaking since the ebb and flow of it is important to the isolation of emotion in this piece. ~hugs!!!~

Susan Helene Gottfried said...

This is very visual; it's easy to picture. And we've all been here, in either -- or both -- roles.

Very cool.

Gadfly said...

Beautifully constructed.

It paints a vivid, complex emotional state.

Julia Phillips Smith said...

Fabulous poem - the length and the two stanzas giving each character a voice, I love it. This especially:

'fists pale battering rams
held in check, barely'

Anonymous said...

I like the 2 perspectives, 1 in each stanza. Esp appreciate the last 5 lines:

a ghost of her former trust -
fingers stroking
the tear stained barrier
locking her safely
in place.


ps love the banner (it's new since the last time i was here, yes??) and thanks for including me on your blogroll!

gautami tripathy said...

Very well written. This kind of get embedded in the mind.

Glad I discovered you!


Lakota said...

Very true Susan, i could fit myself into either role.

Thank you Gaddy honey, it was one of those that had to come out. The images were tired of living only in mine own head.

I can see it so clearly too Julia, in my head, the isolated frustration and anger of man, trying to contain those emotions.

You've been here before Arty? Yes, iz new banner - i ended up spending a ridiculous amount of time creating it just because i wanted it to be just right.
I liked that stanza as well and after i wrote it i realized that the glass and barrier could refer to the computer as the cage.

Ah, gautami darling, we're actually old friends, i'm just wearing a new fresh face and rebirthing myself - hopefully into a place where i can make some dreams come true for myself.

Jill said...

Good to see another poem of yours!
more serious that the one I remember, but I surely do like it!